Karsten
When living outside of several norms, connecting with others become a luxury. To be able to share my experiences with as many others as possible means more connection for us all. Working with words in poetry sometimes make the impossible possible and can connect us to parts of ourselves we thought we had lost, or didn’t even know existed.
The boy I always was
The boy I always was
Didn’t get to play
He got stuck behind a tree
Couldn’t talk
Couldn’t be
The boy I always was
Didn’t have a name
Hadn’t ever been
Never heard
Never seen
The boy I always was
Didn’t get to be
Those toys are for girls
They said to me
The body’s a girl’s
I had to be a girl
In everybody’s eyes
It was all I ever heard
Naturally I deduce
As a girl I am of use
How could I ever know
That the boy I always was
Was forced to hide away
In a too tight dress
And a skin that didn’t fit
No choice
No voice
The boy I always was
Hid behind his walls
Of flowers and glitter
And dresses and silk
And everybody said
He’s got to be a girl
His temperament his wishes
His ways and his face
Are those of a girl
All we see is a girl
So no one ever asked
What he thought of himself
But the boy I always was
Wasn’t defined by his ways
Or his wishes or traits
He just was
Because he is
And he kept himself lost
And thoroughly hidden
To ease
To please
The boy I always was
Is going to be
Because now I know
That only I am me
I do have a voice
And with that a choice
To be what I am
And not some Madam
I have found myself out
No traces of doubt
Too long I ran
Now I’m a man
Reclaiming what I lost
They met at noon one quiet day
In-between the storms
In a way they’d always known
And somehow not at all
For so long they lived alone
Divided by a wall
A wall so thin and yet so thick
No way to know at all
They lived so close and yet so far
They couldn’t ever know
That on the other side there was
Someone else alone
--
He was shy and scared and lost
With still so much to give
She had given all she had
Yet had not really lived
She had fought a thousand wars
Won the battles, lost her soul
He wants live, but knows not how
She is scraped and finished
She doesn’t want to end the fight
Not able to give up
He wants to live, but knows not how
And yet she begs to stop
I don’t know how, he said to her
I never got to learn
To live and love, to see and fear
I didn’t get my turn
Until today I had no life
I wasn’t even born
And now I’ve even lost a past
I didn’t get to mourn
I don’t know how, he said once more
And turned his face away
All the things that should have been
Are lost along the way
--
He was shy and scared and lost
With still so much to give
She had given all she had
Yet hadn’t really lived
She had fought a thousand wars
Won the battles, lost her soul
He wants to live, but knows not how
She is scraped and finished
She doesn’t want to end the fight
Not able to give up
He wants to live, but knows not how
And yet she begs to stop
Yet here you are, she hugged him tight
That’s all that matters now
He said once more, I don’t know how-
You’ll learn from me, she smiled
I cannot stop if you don’t lead
Instead of me, so please
I’ll help you find your past, you know
Together we can grow
A different lost forgotten life
That never got to be
Has a chance to live and breathe
Merged to one they’ll see
I live them now, all my lives
My past my now my future
I am reclaiming what I lost
My self belongs to me
Karsten (they/he), a Norwegian trans, queer, disabled and chronically ill autistic in their thirties, has used literature to connect to a world chaotic to them since childhood. He has a bachelor degree in Comparative Literature and a special passion for the mysterious, dreamlike and absurd. He seems to find poetry in everything, despite “not liking poetry very much”. Their writing explores topics like gender, relationships and emotional turmoil within a life that balances along the edges of society. They are a lover of dragons and trying to grow an indoor jungle. Instagram: @dragepust