Lyd Arlo

This is a poem (and drawing alongside it) That I wrote about the feeling of wanting Top Surgery so badly that your inner monologue becomes ugly, resulting in feeling jealous of other trans people further along in their transition.

More than anything, I wanted this to be an honest portrayal of a feeling I know I and many other trans people have had.

Ultimately, the poem discusses how whilst the want for Top Surgery is often more of a need, we should only be lifting up and cheering on other Trans and gender non-conforming folk. We’re all on the same team. Hence the title, “Jealousy is Ugly / Trans is Beautiful”.

Jealousy is ugly / Trans is beautiful

I stare into your soul as if it were my own,

Just to calm myself down,

Because I see so much of myself in you, 

Or maybe it’s the other way around.

But just sometimes…

Your joy reminds me of my pain,

And I look inside myself 

Because I know you’re not to blame.

I cannot say I am proud of where my mind goes,

But my body grows tired of hiding its shape behind clothes,

One day I will feel loose fabric to my chest,

on that day I will allow myself to forget

All the times I cried over your image,

Longed for it to be mine,

I will realise you as part of my lineage,

It just might take some time.

I know there is a word for this, 

but when I call it jealous, I am ashamed.

Envy sends me into crisis,

But what you have- I need the same.

I am so proud of you,

So happy for you, 

So unbelievably in awe of your resilience,

But I want that too,

I need that too,

And your experience, holds so much significance.

I stare into your soul as if it were my own, 

Just to calm myself down,

Because I see so much of myself in you, 

Or maybe it’s the other way around.

Lyd Arlo is a poet, musician and creative born and raised in Leicester. Writing on themes of mental health and embracing their queer identity, Lyd is passionate about accessibility in all art forms. After dropping out of school at the age of 15 and being diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, Lyd took to writing and performing poetry detailing their experiences. Focusing on breaking down the stigma surrounding hearing voices Lyd aims to be a voice for the people often dismissed by society. They are currently working on their first poetry collection. Instagram: @lydarlo