Phoenix

"My work is mainly all about my experience with the dark side of mental health. It is bleak but eye-opening. It's cathartic, but gut wrenching. I hope it is received well and that others get more of an understanding of what it's like to live a life of a mentally ill queer person!"

TikTok: @spheonyxx

Beans

​

A comfy chair

And loud chatter is all I need

To go somewhere

More different than

What my eyes lay upon hear

​

Bouncy chair and lungs

filled with warm air

With green tea on my tongue.

I feel the light from the clerestory

Windows blind me with its rays

​

Off in my silly head again,

wondering when it will feel heavy again,

And then try to lift it up from my neck again

And then wonder if I should be lifting weights at the gym,

and gaining strength just to feel better again.

Oh, sorry… I didn’t mean to be so grim.

Sometimes my eyes dart to the corner of the room so dim,

and I look to see if something is there

only to see particulars in the air.

​

Away, somewhere in the far distance,

The grinding of beans.

I wonder what that art on the wall means,

I wonder what that cloud in the sky means

I wonder what the mere breath out of my nose means.

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get so deep,

But sometimes I can’t help

But to be so easily intrigued

By the little details of what makes my

World so hard to live in…

Yet other days so pleasing to dip my feet in

It feels so cold in here, but I will stay…

sat on this old, worn out, bouncy blue chair,

Listening as the world goes by,

and I am but a frog on a stump.

Older

Reaching the age now,

Where I’ve been an adult

For a little under 6 years,

Only to become more confused and add

more fears to the collection

I heard once that it should all make sense

When you are older,

I’ve been older since grade four, when does

it start to click?

​

I walk these city streets now

And I just think back to when

I was not responsible for future of future me,

And now I bear the guilt as if I was.

​

Because I could have prevented

The inevitable occurrence of my life

Becoming a cave in which i have to find

The strength by myself to do what it takes

To make it out.

​

However, I was guilt tripped and trapped

By the guise of parental love, without a

Map or a light, and now I’ve grown scared of the dark.