"Hello everyone. I'm an eighteen year old teenager who expresses themselves through songs, poems and stories. I thought, it was important too share my feelings about being misgendered and not taken seriously and numb was the first word that came to mind. Originally it was just going to be like that but I thought it was important as well to include paragraphs about the pain of seeing transphobia online. I hope sharing my experience with these issues can comfort you and help you understand that you are not alone."
I dream of a better place.
Trans healthcare is great, I finally don't have to wait for top surgery for years or shrink my BMI. I just breathe sighs of relief. No more grief from other people, they've finally accepted that my body is mine.
No more fallen brothers, sisters, and siblings. People have finally allowed us to just exist. No more twisted lies from the news and media. No more things that enable the plague of transphobia.
No more misgendering or uplifting the gender binary and the patriarchy. The hierarchy is gone as well as people clinging onto the binary like it's a lifeline. All pronouns are taken seriously.
No more "protecting" the children and banning books. The hook is that representation has helped kids understand themselves better. Adults are actually listening to the youth and are respecting that age is just a number.
No more "passing" and having to fit in with cis norms. It warms my heart that people's fragility has melted away. Cis isn't a threatening word anymore. Terfs bore people now, the war has ended at last. Everything is peaceful and Trans folk are treated equally.
I wake up...
I am Numb, my body is on autopilot. No more. Hearing the wrong pronouns makes me feel nothing anymore. My gender dysphoria is sore but I am too numb to scream. Apologies, ignorance yet my lips can't move to clarity and speak further.
I am an observer in my own body. I am numb, I am cold. Rage should burn inside me when people refuse to call me by my true name and pronouns but instead my flame has been snuffed out. I want to doubt that this emptiness I feel is real but I know my emotions are true. Guilt wants to consume me that I'm not angry about being invalidated but I'm too tired of the binary system to care. It's not fair!
I'm tired, I am exhausted, I am numb. The only thing I can do is take one look at the lumps on my body in shame as someone calls me young lady. It may sound shady but I wish I could feel the urge to yell and scream when someone misgenders. Instead of burning rage at being tossed into the binary pile I can only give a silent sigh. Comply, it is something I wish I didn't do. It's all too much now, I'm too tired to move or scream I'm numb.
I'm a zombie, I am numb. I scroll through social media only shedding a tear at all the anti trans headlines. I feel like I am on a deadline that will end as soon as I come out. The too much to bear whilst trying to be loud and proud. The hateful crowd with their comments and posts and all I can do is block instead of scream at them. Swipe swipe swipe tap tap. My brain wants to explode but it is too numb to take a stand.
The bubbling in my chest does not go away. I know seeing hate and being angry about it is the way, but for me I'm too numb and cold after seeing it everywhere. I'm tangled in my phone, desperate to feel things openly but I can't. The hate has poisoned me, overwhelming me in a way I didn't expect. I am numb, I am cold.
A Shocking Realisation
It all makes sense. The realisation hits me like a light bulb. I am Trans, I Am Nonbinary and now knowing this my life will never be the same. I feel shame but I know I shouldn't.
I think about that thirteen year old gi-kid. Pleading begging for hormone pills so that the red can be washed away. The red made me feel dread. Now I see it was Gender Dysphoria my body screaming for the red to stop. I am Trans, I am Nonbinary how could I have been so blind.
I think about the five year old who copied their older siblings short haircut just because they thought it was cool. I remember the way people, including that child's own father, treated them differently. Shamefully I feel glad my Dad is not around to discover this revelation. I am Trans, I am Nonbinary, l dread the loneliness that is going to come.
I remember the moments I was split into boys vs girls and how it made my stomach sick. I remember feeling absolutely horrified knowing I had to get change in front of girls now I see its not just because of my disabilities. I wonder if I would have been more comfortable with a private room to change well I can keep on wondering as I am Trans, I am Nonbinary in a world fearfully of anything that breaks the mould.
Looking back I am disgusted that my concerns were dismissed when I started the dreaded puberty. Shielded from the truth by church and everyone I know. I remember the way my self esteem evaporated into thin air as soon as my chest became larger and the dreaded red started showing up too heavy. "It's natural" I was told when that felt far from the case. I am Trans, I am Nonbinary and that's what is natural.
Looking at the future I am anxious and stressed. I have grown up in a world that has wanted to shield me from the truth and prevent me from expressing myself. I can feel the hatred bubbling inside of the people who have been manipulated by media. Books + Movies that I loved no longer liked due to this truth. I Am Trans, I Am Nonbinary can I survive this fearful world?
I am alone and fearful to tell anybody. I know now praying won't feel as impactful as it once did but I'm praying hoping that I can confide people to confide in. I'm hoping that my candle isn't snuffed out by this truthful revelation and that one day I can tell people that I am happy to be Trans, I am overjoyed to be Nonbinary. We'll see.