Author's Note: "This is a short satire piece in an interview format, presented as a tongue-in-cheek take on cisgender people's frequently asked questions when learning that I'm gay and trans, or just responding to transness in general."
Are you a man or a woman?
I’m a man.
But it’s confusing. How do I know if you’re really a man or a woman?
Great question. So when I said, “I’m a man,” that can generally be interpreted to mean, “I’m a man”.
But have you always been a man?
Nope! In English, normally we refer to “children” and “boys” and “girls”, and later we refer to them as “adults” and “men” and “women”.
That’s not what I meant! Are you really a man or a woman?
I’m a man.
But if you’re transgender, how do I know which way you’re transgender?
Well, “transgender” is an adjective. An adjective is a describing word!
If we take away the describing word, the thing it is describing stays the same. If the spaniel is brown, we might say it is a brown spaniel. If I stop calling it a brown spaniel and just call it a spaniel, you don’t start thinking it’s a barn cat.
Similarly, I am a transgender man, or, a man.
But what body parts do you have?
Oh, you know, all the usual ones.
But what about what’s in your pants?
Legs! Two of ‘em! And my butt!
No, I mean your private parts.
If they’re private, shouldn’t I be keeping that secret?
Do you have a penis or a vagina?
I have one vagina and three penises.
What?
What?
You can only have one set of genitalia.
That’s actually not true, they don’t license them when you buy these things at all. Some companies even do two-for-one deals.
Oh, so the penises aren’t real!
They’re pretty real.
A silicon penis can’t do the things a real penis can.
Most real penises can’t have two shafts and go in two holes at once. Or vibrate. Not to brag.
So really, you have a vagina?
I do have a vagina, yeah. Mine is homegrown, but store-bought is fine.
So you’re not really a man.
I mean, I am.
You can’t have a vagina and also be a man.
A lot of men have loads of vaginas. Again, there are some great deals on —
Ugh! Never mind. But — Didn’t you say you were gay?
Uh huh.
Gay for women or for men?
For men. ’Cause I’m a man. So gay men usually fuck other gay men. That’s how that works.
But if you want to have sex with men, why didn’t you just stay a straight woman?
Because I’m not a straight woman. I’m a gay man.
Can’t you just be a lesbian?
No, lesbians are attracted to women, and I am not.
But men have sex with women!
Men have sex with men too. Have you not heard of being gay?
But gay men like cocks.
You got us there. We sure do.
Gay men don’t like pussies.
Some do. Mine gets some pretty positive attention. I mostly bottom, so.
Aren’t men disappointed you don’t have a cock?
Oh, suuuuure, yeah. “Aw, man, I have three holes to choose from instead of two! This is terrible!” said no top ever.
And anyway, I told you, I have a bunch of cocks to choose from on top of being a bonus hole boy. They’re there as needed.
But you can’t be the top.
Sure I can. I just put on a harness and strap on a cock or two, and I go to town.
But you can’t feel it.
Oh, you think? You know they make strap-ons that vibrate? They even make double-ended ones!
A thing that queer people believe — I know this isn’t really a part of cisgender heterosexual culture, so just bear with me here — is that sex should be fun and feel as good as possible. So we all use all kinds of toys and play around with it. It’s no big deal to us.
Lots of gay men wouldn’t have sex with you.
Well, I wouldn’t have sex with lots of gay men!
Wait, that’s not true. I’m kind of a slut, I do do that.
What I meant was, I wouldn’t have sex with any gay man just because I was gay and so was he. There’s no reason every gay man should want to fuck me. They might reject me because I’m trans, sure, or because I have a pussy.
They might reject me because I’m skinny and they prefer fat or muscular guys — I don’t have sex with other twinks either.
Wait, what?
Twinks, they’re just not my type. Two really skinny guys having sex, our bones make a kind of clattering noise. Sounds like one of those wooden noisemakers that rattles when you swing it ‘round.
You can’t really afford to be choosey.
Oh, sweetheart, I’ve got to be choosey. If I had sex with every man that wanted to have sex with me, I’d never have time to get anything else done.
Can’t you just accept who you are?
Yeah, I’ve accepted it! I’m a gay man. And a slut.
Well, the men you have sex with aren’t really gay. They’re just bisexual.
Some of them are bisexual, sure! Some of them are gay. I bet some of them use other labels.
Well, maybe they’re straight.
Straight guys do love to fuck men, it has to be said.
What about trans women?
Straight guys fuck trans women all the time, yeah. Transfemininity is like catnip to straight guys, they can’t get enough of it.
No, I meant you.
Me? I’m a trans man, not a trans woman.
Would you have sex with a trans woman?
Probably not, no. I’m gay, I don’t really have sex with women.
But what about a trans woman?
Well, see, “trans” is an adjective. An adjective is a describing word! That means —
But what if she has a penis?
Anybody can get a penis, babes. Some of them are really expensive, but others are pretty cheap.
Anyway, a woman with or without a penis is still a woman, and I am still a gay man who doesn’t have sex with women.
Well, being gay isn’t just about sex.
Yep.
You act really gay.
I sure do.
Like, really effeminate.
I’m pretty camp, sure.
So you act like a woman.
Yeah, homophobes say stuff like that a lot. They get really mad at camp and effete men and try and be like, “oh, you’re not really a man!”
But then if one of them is like, “oh, shit, I think you’re right, I think I’m a woman actually”, then they’re like, “what? No, you’re a man! You’ll never be a woman!” and all that jazz.
It’s really weird, it’s almost like there’s some underlying hypocrisy or bigotry at play.
So you’re a woman?
No, I’m a man. That was an analogy about transgender women.
But you’re transgender.
Okay, back to the beginning. “Trans” is an adjective. An adjective is a —
Let’s change the subject. Have you had The Surgery?
I’ve had a few surgeries! I had my wisdom teeth out last year, and a few years back I had this really weird benign tumour taken out of my chest, it’s called a fibroadenoma but they’re also known as “breast mice”, which —
No, no, no! I meant THE Surgery?
What, an appendectomy?
No, you know. The gender surgery.
Which one?
There’s more than one surgery?
Sure. There’s a mastectomy — we also call that “top surgery”, because it’s done on the top half of your body — to remove or reduce someone’s breasts.
There’s hysteroectomies, there’s salpingo-oothorectomies, things like that. There’s cosmetic surgeries, like for your face, or hair transplants, that sort of thing.
There’s metoidioplasty, or meta, where they kind of unhook some of the flesh around your clitoris and build up some of the tissue to give you a bigger dick.
There’s also phalloplasty, where they take a skin graft from somewhere else, normally your arm, and build you penis with that. Some dudes get their arms tattooed first, so they get their dick ready-tattooed, which is pretty fucking slick.
Have you had any of those?
Nope.
Aren’t you going to?
Maybe. It’s not really a priority for me right now.
How can it not be a priority?
Listen, all that shit is expensive, and anyway, there’s really long waiting lists for all this stuff.
If it’s not a big deal, why is it so important?
It’s not a big deal to me. A lot of people feel really awful pain and distress at not having these surgeries, and just because I feel one way doesn’t mean they don’t feel another.
What about hormones?
What about hormones?
Do you take hormones?
Sure do! I’ve been on testosterone for like three years now.
Can’t it cause health problems?
Taking testosterone?
Sure, I guess. All medications have risks and potential side-effects, and because your endocrine — hormonal — system controls a lot of your body’s systems and processes, transitioning to a different hormonal set-up can change your likelihood or manifestation of some health conditions.
For example, if you’re on testosterone, you might have a higher likelihood of heart disease than you might on oestrogen and progesterone.
You know, like cisgender men have a higher likelihood of heart disease than cisgender women.
For me, my testosterone has actually treated some of my health problems, not made them worse. I used to have really bad mood swings, abdominal pain, intestinal distress, etc from PMDD, and now I’m on testosterone, I don’t get those anymore.
Remember I said about having a fibroadenoma? I used to have a bunch of those — when I started T, they went away. My vaginismus improved significantly, and now I can get a pap smear without screaming.
Also I have a sexy moustache, a jawline you could cut glass on, and my dick got bigger.
Your dick got bigger?
Yeah, we call it “bottom growth”.
Your clitoral tissue grows bigger, you get a more defined shaft and head, the clitoral hood pulls back more like the foreskin on a bigger dick. My whole pussy got way more sensitive, and orgasms got wayyy easier. It fucking rocks.
But isn’t that kind of gross?
Coming is gross to you?
Doesn’t it look gross?
I don’t think so. Some people don’t like how genitals look or think they look gross, but I don’t think they look any worse than the rest of someone’s body.
What about bathrooms? What bathroom do you use?
I use the men’s bathroom, because that’s where men pee.
What about gender-neutral bathrooms?
I have one of those! In my house.
Shouldn’t you use the gender-neutral bathroom?
Anybody can use a gender-neutral bathroom, I guess.
But aren’t you scared of using public men’s bathrooms?
What would I be scared of?
Um, glory holes?
The primary emotion I feel about glory holes is the opposite of fear.
Well, trans men can use the men’s bathrooms, but transgender women shouldn’t use women’s bathrooms. What if someone saw her penis?
How would someone see her penis? Don’t public bathrooms have stalls? Are you peeking in through the gaps in the door or something?
Well, it makes me feel unsafe!
It makes me feel unsafe now, too, if you’re staring into the stalls while people are trying to piss.
You’re missing the point. Everyone should be in the bathroom that matches their body parts. How do I know what body parts other people have if they don’t go into the right bathroom?
It feels like you think a lot more about other people’s genitals in public bathrooms than I do, and I live in hope of glory holes wherever I go.
Let’s change the subject.
That’s always how these conversations go.
What about pronouns?
Pronouns? Sure. He, she, they, it.
What are yours?
He/him.
What about they/them?
Those are pronouns. They’re not my pronouns, though. Mine are he/him.
But you’re transgender.
Yeah, “they/them” are not the transgender pronouns unless someone uses they/them pronouns. They’re just traditionally gender-neutral ones, so some people like to use them, cis or trans.
They/them pronouns aren’t grammatically correct. One person can’t be they.
No, you’re right. One person would be them. They would be one person.
…
You kinda walked into that one, huh?
One person can’t be plural!
Yeah, thou art correct, actually. We ought dispense with the plural pronoun and only use the singular, as thou sayeth.
What?
“You” is also a plural pronoun. Thou/thy is the singular in English.
Well, when an archaeologist digs up your body in a thousand years, they’ll know from your bones you were really a woman.
I’m getting cremated, babes. Good fucking luck to ’em.
'Questions You Wish You Could Ask A Gay Transgender Man' By Johannes T. Evans